gallavant

The scale has not moved.  Still pegged.  Could be the pizza, could be the wine, could be the chips - hmmm……. perhaps a combination of all of those things.  Still working out, however, and seeing the results of that at least.  Had a migrane yesterday, spent the entire day in bed and still feeling sluggish today.  Nevertheless - have not posted because there is nothing new to report.  Had a date with Miss Clairol - covered up my gray.  Had movie day with the fam damily - mom & son in law saw Harry Potter, my daughter and I took the kiddos to go see Ice Age in 3-D - pretty cool.  Still taking classes thru the fire dept. - got my CPR certification - nifty - the next test is on August 1 for first responder certification.  Giving some real thought to the EMT program.  First I’ll see how I do as a first responder.  Didn’t get to sail this weekend, but had a great time on the water last weekend - met up with a couple of other boats & camped out - the wind was perfect.  No love life to report - am really getting ready for that to change!!  Mom’s got an appt. monday for a PET scan - she’s had some funky lab tests and they want to make sure that she’s still ok.  She feels fine - so I guess that’s what’s important.  For those of you who pray, send a thought up for her please.

 Be much blessed

The scale has not moved.  Still pegged.  Could be the pizza, could be the wine, could be the chips - hmmm……. perhaps a combination of all of those things.  Still working out, however, and seeing the results of that at least.  Had a migrane yesterday, spent the entire day in bed and still feeling sluggish today.  Nevertheless - have not posted because there is nothing new to report.  Had a date with Miss Clairol - covered up my gray.  Had movie day with the fam damily - mom & son in law saw Harry Potter, my daughter and I took the kiddos to go see Ice Age in 3-D - pretty cool.  Still taking classes thru the fire dept. - got my CPR certification - nifty - the next test is on August 1 for first responder certification.  Giving some real thought to the EMT program.  First I’ll see how I do as a first responder.  Didn’t get to sail this weekend, but had a great time on the water last weekend - met up with a couple of other boats & camped out - the wind was perfect.  No love life to report - am really getting ready for that to change!!  Mom’s got an appt. monday for a PET scan - she’s had some funky lab tests and they want to make sure that she’s still ok.  She feels fine - so I guess that’s what’s important.  For those of you who pray, send a thought up for her please.

 Be much blessed

Looks like I’m carrying around more than some extra weight.  I re-read last night’s post - sounding like I have some anger issues?  How much does emotional baggage weigh?  I did not know I was that pissed - still.  I’m going to make an appointment with our workplace counselor, Marie.  She’s helped me iron out issues before - she’s a pretty quick fixer - no need to delve into childhood stuff or any of that other junk.  Just problem, solution.  Plus she’s thru employee health, so it’s free!!  & I’m cheap!!  Just need some help figuring out what to do with that residual ick that I’m not shaking off - stuff my feelings, stuff my face.

Personal Junk:  Been doing great on the work outs.  Still walking 2 mi over lunch, upping it next week with my very fit office partner.  She’s great.  Super motivated, determined.  She’s 50+ but looks like she’s in her 30’s - a real inspiration to me.  Was nice to my son in law today - man, that’s a rough relationship.  Went to First Responder Training.  Georgia Mtn. Fire needs an EMT - so they asked if I would go ahead and take the classes to learn how to provide emergency medical aid at a higher level than basic first responder.  The purpose is service - and that really is where I can best serve.  They have plenty of strapping young healthy  guys who like to run around in fire trucks & sling hoses around - stamp out brush fires , go into burning buildings, clean up meth labs and the like - and they do that better than I ever will.  What they need is an EMT - and my skill set is more geared towards caretaking than lugging around 100# hoses and whatnot.  Will keep ya’ll posted.

My scale is not going to move this week - but I guess that’s o.k.  When I flex my biceps, I can see them.  I can see my quads, I can feel my abs and they are rock hard.  My rear end does not sag.  My body is responding to my hard work - it’s just not dropping the pounds.  I’ll add some more cardio this week and see if that does not help. 

I’m feeling “whoremoanal” today - depressed.  My body has always toned up quickly - the weight doesn’t move, but the shape changes nicely - it always makes me think about my ex - he was and continues to be so hateful about my weight.  We both have boats at this marina (price is right and I live here!!) - the last time I talked to him he said that he wanted me to pretend that I did not know him because I was so fat and unattractive.  Mind you, this is a man I spent 6 years of my life with - four of them skinny scrawny, one of them healthy, and one of them overweight and gaining the courage to leave him.  The last year of our relationship he was cruel beyond measure.  When my mom was in the process of being diagnosed w/ endometrial cancer, I had to change our vacation plans and meet him in Chattanooga for the Riverbend Fest rather than go upriver with him on his boat.  I bought us each bikes to ride on the trail that runs along the river - I thought it would be a good way for us to see the town and spend time together.  I could not find a place to park - I had to park in a scary neighborhood late at night - and rather than come and meet me, he left me there.  Chewed me out because I got lost in a big city.  I could not find my way thru the crowds, I’m agoraphobic & have no sense of direction.  It was awful.  Shit.  I’m crying.    I stayed in my own house after that - right next door to his.  I did not lose weight, but I went to the gym - a lot.  Two weeks later - I look better - he becomes kinder.  He tells me I must have lost weight.   I didn’t.  I used to tease him, the hornier he was, the thinner I looked.

FF six mo. later - I took him on a vacation to Little River Canyon because he was depressed -  I was worried about him.  We were walking back up to my car after viewing another overlook and he said “I wish you could see yourself” - his tone was so filled with contempt.  I was crushed.

FF 2 mo. later.  He feels like I am such a piece of shit because I’m fat that he can put his hands on me in violence.  FF ten days later - I’m in my own apartment - he’s an occasional f***.  A few mos later, I’ve my own boat.  He wonders why I can screw him and walk away.  FF 2 mos later - “the best way to get over an old man is to get under a new one.”  Did that.  FF the new apt. is a total  roach infested shi* hole.  I live on my boat for a month.  This house at the marina comes up for rent - I grab it.  New man is a republican - Christian Conservative Rt. who feels guilty every time he touches me.  New man gets dumped.  FF 5 mos after dumping new man & I’m here.  Strong.  Determined.  Present and accounted for, ya’ll.   Single and over 40 but still kicking up a ruckus.  The scale may not move.  My body is strong.  I’m ok where I am.  Am going to get where I want to be.

Thanks for listening to me bit**.  

Well, I just got back from the first meeting of the 9:01 club.  For those of you who don’t know what that is, the pool where I live is clothing optional after 9:00 -  Wow!  I feel fantastic.  Just laid back on my floatie and watched the stars & the moons of several of my friends.  Helps me to realize - it’s just a body - and mine works so I’m grateful.

Joined the Georgia Mountain volunteer fire department - they are interested in training first responders, especially females, to go out on their calls - I’m really enjoying it.  I’m learning basic first aid & CPR - then we get to learn hazmat - then actual fire fighting.  I’ve also enrolled in several BLS classes at work.  I think it will be a good challenge for me and a good way to give back to this community which has come to matter so much to me. Ernie, the man who owns the marina where I live, suggested that I join - he thinks I’d be good at it - and I suspect he’s probably right.  Even if I do totally choke & don’t have what it takes at least I will have gained some valuable skills - and sailing and being on the water those are skills that could very well come in handy. 

The scale’s still stuck - but I’m still working on it.  Pfft.

Well, it’s official - two pounds gained this week.  I know it’s hormonal and next week will tell a truer tale, still and all - pffftt.  I have decided to think about why “fat” and calling people fat is so ugly - even if it’s true.  Here is what I have come up with:  take a vice- any vice - maybe you like to fry kittens for breakfast on occasion, maybe you are opinionated, or envy your neighbor, or have a secret lust for David Hasselhoff - whatever inner flaw it is that you have - now paint a mental picture of what that vice looks like - it’s okay, it’s just you and your mind - no one has to know what your vice looks like - paint it “red of tooth and claw” so to speak.  Paint it ugly - paint it real - it’s on the inside, no one can see it - got it in your mind?  What does a lust to eat fried kittens look like, after all?  Not so pretty.

Now take that flaw and staple it to your forehead.  The cat is out of the bag.  Everyone knows that you like to eat fried kittens for breakfast - it’s right there for all the world to see.  Whenever you walk by a kitten, people watch to see if you are going to gobble it up.  Every time you look in the mirror, all you see is “kitten fryer” - not mom, not hard worker, not loving partner - just that damn kitten munching urge.  People feel free to comment on your kitten frying - it has become a matter of public debate -Talk show hosts have entire shows on the damage to society that your kitten fryin’ has created.   You are now defined by your flaw.

That is what being fat feels like.  My flaw is out there.  Everyone who sees me knows that I am overweight.  People watch to see what I will choose at the “All you can eat buffet”.  When I look in the mirror, I see the excess weight.  If it were any other flaw - like a secret lust for Daivd Hasselhoff - I could keep it to myself.  My boss’s opinion of me and my work does not change because of my secret love of excess chest hair.  I can look in the mirror and not see Lust for Weird Eighties Icon staring back at me. 

So, what is the point, why is the word “fat” so damn ugly?  O.k, it’s a flaw.  But let me name it something which does not define me.  There is a huge difference between “she is opinionated” and “she is a bitch” - “opinionated” is a character flaw - “bitch” is a definition of the whole person.  Words like “overweight” or “obese” are flaws a person has - “fat” is a definition.  I am overweight.  Fact.  I am also an awsome grandmother, a hard worker, a loyal friend.   I am Fat - when I go there, that’s all there is.  Fat.  Kitten Fryer.

That’s all, ya’ll.

That’s the advice I give to other peope when they sink into the fat n’ugly place so today I took my own advice.  The scale is not going to tell me happy things when I get on it in the morning.  It’s monthly fluctuations combined with a less than perfect diet - I let the scale have too much control over my mood.  I stepped on this morning and it was up -  so I had one of those f**ck it I’ll just be fat moments  and I had a cheese burger and onion rings for dinner.  Then I skipped the gym.  Of course, that boosted my self esteem to, oh, gee, about gutter level?

Lucky for me, I have a close to one hour commute on the way home and was able to give myself a really good ass-chewing.  I got home and put on my new shorts - they make my legs look like they go on forever.  I acknowledged the fact that my thighs don’t rub together so much any more.  I flexed my nana-wingless biceps.  I reminded myself of my generally healthy food-choices.  I reminded myself that my weight fluctuates by pounds per day - it’s the over all that matters.  Those were my sparklies.  Then I took action.  I went for a two mile walk.

Then I came here.  I know ya’ll get it.  Thanks for being here.

I work with three other women and have a great deal of respect for all of them.  This week, we decided to start walking over our lunch hour - just a quick one mile to the park and back trek.  Mind you, it’s Alabama, and it’s been consistantly in the mid 90’s - still and all, we all have grit.  A quick description of the women I work with:  a very slender, petite woman in her 50’s - her son is in the military and flies helicopters for a living (good job  single parent mom!!!) - another woman, in her early 50’s who looks like she is in her 30’s - blonde, beautiful, takes really good care of herself, fit - very much a southern belle - smart woman & I love sharing an office with her- and the two big girls - me and this other woman I work with - she is truly amazing and the way she treats people has actually made me examine my own life and how I treat people - she is the most thoughtful person I know.  If you read my blog at all, she is the creator of the lemon poppyseed cake.  mmmmmm…….  So, my point, the first day we all went walking the two not so big girls powered on ahead of us - booked around the lake while me and my extra curvy office  mate got to know each other seated on a park bench, in the shade,  feeding the ducks.  I really liked getting to know her better - she’s not worked with us very long and we don’t have opportunity to talk much - we meandered back together, again, while not so curvy office mates blazed by us. 

The kicking butt part came today, when my curvy office mate was gone.  I’m fat, but I am very fit.  I blazed by them on the way there -  on the way back, I totally left them in the dust.  I was back in the office, cooled off, with my normal girl shoes  on and back to work  by the time they huffed and puffed back to their desks.  Felt really good.  When I got home, I walked two more miles and went for a kayak.  Sunset on the lake, me in the water = life is very good indeed.

Loving my garden, ya’ll.  I picked my first cucumber this morning and had it for breakfast.  The tomatoes are looking good - going to have squash out my ears - and thought that I would try purple hull peas - love them.  I really encourage people to get their hands in some dirt and grow food - eating what I grow is so satisfying to me - sharing what I grow even more so.  I grew a whole row of chard - I don’t really like chard, but I have two friends that do - thus, a row of chard.  I have the most beautiful lettuce - I plant a spring mix instead of a flower bed.  Herbs are weeds and grow well where nothing else does - thus basil, oregeno, parsley, lavender, & rosemary go where I can’t get anything to grow.  Even if you live in an apartment, they make special hanging pots so that you can grow tomatoes & strawberries.  Herbs grow in pots. 

I have noticed that women tend to nurture people with food - depressed?  I’ll have  a pint of Ben & jerry’s on your doorstep before you know it.  Loving a man?  cook him up an apple pie and some fried chicken.  New  to the neighborhood?  Have a platter of brownies.  Sick?  Well - chicken soup will do the trick.  

So, where are my thoughts leading?  To the potluck dinner, of course.    Came thru w/ flying colors - I share office space with some very caring women.  There was a home made keylime pie.  Two crockpots full of bbq meatballs.   Homemade potato salad.  And while I did not eat very much of it I complimented the hell out of it.  It ain’t the food that needs acknowledged, it’s the cook and the love that went into the preparation of the food that needs attention.  No one noticed that I had a plate full of fruit and salad with one of each kind meatball.  All I had to do was state that I love homemade key lime pie - that everyone loves rotel chili dip - and where did you get the receipt for the strawberry glaze layer cake w/ cream cheese frosting.  The fresh strawberries and peaches that I brought were enjoyed, and it warmed my heart to see people eat it - even if it was simple.  So why not return the feeling?  Mean time, I’m down two pounds.

We are having a pot luck in the office tomorrow.  There is a sign up sheet going around, and suddenly I understand why most of the women in our little area, including me,  are extra curvy.  On the menu for lunch? Fried Chicken, BBQ meatballs, potato salad, cake, cake and more cake, “dessert” several times - chips & dip - I’m bringing fresh peaches and strawberries.  Someone is bringing salad - but it’s going to be, and I will bet money on this, smothered in bacon bits, croutons, and some sort of gloppy fatty dressing.  Time for a strategy.  The thing that I hate about these things is that if I don’t load up my plate like I’m never going to see food again, someone is going to point it out and make some SNARKY comment.  If I don’t try the  chili cheese bacon dip or death by chocolate cake  that ”Betty” made from scratch using her new receipe from Southern Living,  her feelings are going to be hurt.  I just can’t eat that crap and be healthy.  If I say that point blank, then “Betty” looks at her own plate loaded down with 3,000 calories and gets pissed.  If I say that I am trying to lose weight, then women with more to lose than me tell me I don’t need to worry about it.  Bullsh**.  I know my BMI - I’m a good 20#’s past not needing to worry about it.   Oh well.  Peer pressure. 

I will start with a healthy breakfast.  I will imagine haggis.  I will not offer explanations about my food choices.  I will tell “Betty” that her chili bacon cheese dip looks delightful and I can tell that people are really enjoying it.  A dieter at a grand feed like this one is about as welcome as a who*e in church.  I will keep that in mind and try to keep my healthy eating to myself.

Will post my weight  tomorrow.  It’s been steady below 160 for two mornings, we’ll see if it holds.  My weight varies from day to day, so I will not post a new weight until it’s been that for three days in a row.  Be much blessed, ya’ll